the last word (for the night)

this is the story i really wanted to tell about feeling sorry for myself before the lead in that you see in the post below got so long:

so i overheard some people at work making weekend plans and started to get that panicky feeling about how i don't have any plans and who would i make plans with and am i cool enough that someone would want to make plans with me and how i wish i were the kind of person people describe as "she could talk to a wall" and just wondering how this whole make new friends things works. how do we get to that point where we look up and we have our people. so all of this going on in my head and i go to the bathroom to change into my cycling clothes. when i come back to my desk to put on my shoes a mini reeses peanut butter cup falls out of one. i pause for a minute to try and try and figure out how it got there and then decide that however it got the we it knows that i am feeling sorry for myself and it is a sign of good will from the world. it's the universe saying "you thought we'd get all spiritual on you, but we're emotional eaters too. here, have some chocolate." i think i really thought this. and then i realized that Steve had put it there, as he was laughing from his desk across the room. this made me want to cry. not because i was dissapointed, but because Steve had thought of me or because the Universe had thought of me and when it went looking for a messenger it found Steve.

You know you live in California when...

Your roommate drives a VW bus and a beater at that. And has more boards than pieces of furniture (2 skate, 1 snow and at least 1 surf).

I rode my bike along the beach path home from work today feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I know, "stop right there," you're thinking, how can I feel sorry for myself when I live by the beach and within biking distance of my job. Well, I manage just fine, and actually manage quite well 4-7 days a month. This month I'm feeling sorry for myself in the friend department. So I moved out of my aunt's house and into a cute little house, in a cute little neighborhood, with my cute little roommate (and the aformentioned dude) and am theoretically excited about the situation, but realistically also just a little bit down. Stocking my fridge, setting up my room - a slight variation of the same one I've had since my junior year of college - watching Project Runway and Grey's Anatomy with new roommie = fun. Having too much extra time on my hands, missing my boyfriend and wondering when if I ever I am going to make my adult BFF = sad.

I'm feeling a little exhausted by not having that so familiar person around that who's company allows me to really settle in to myself. Maybe I'm going to have to figure out how to be that person for myself this weekend, while both new roommates are away.

Rewinding a few days for a story: last Sunday I drove up to the hippy, mountain town of Ojai to go to the Farmer's Market and meet my friend Laura (all right, you called my bluff, I do have 1 friend or maybe 2 or 4) for some breakfast. I made several laps as I am always overwhelmed and usually just make impulse purchases. My impulse purchases were:
1.a neatly wrapped package of bacon and gruyere scones with thyme (yeah they sound delicious, but they were dry, skimpy on the bacon and way over priced at $6 for 4 small. all in all, the enjoyment was had at the moment I decided to treat myself to buying them)
2. some basil and parsley - neither of which I have used all week
3. 5 mini asian pears - i did eat all of these. lesson - mini is the key to eating fruit
4. a half dozen farm fresh eggs
5. 6 2nd quality tomatoes - no pesticides, but possibly bruised for $1 cheaper per lb than 1st quality. I'm a sucker for a sale.

Okay, I'm starting to make this sound like a good day, which I guess it was - after that I made yummy breakfast burritos with Laura and other maybe new friend, then I went to one of the coolest bookstores ever, but the point I'm getting to is about me being sad. So after all this I was talking to Shawn who had just had lunch with his friend Tim and Tim's girlfriend Michelle who I had spoken to once at a party. When Shawn mentioned her I said I had really liked her. He said she said the same thing and wanted to hang out if I was in town, except that I would probably be hanging out with my friends. This brought tears to my eyes. Here I had the potential for a great new friend and we no longer lived in the same city. I think I said something along the lines of "at least somebody thinks I'm cool" to Shawn. Sometimes I have moments of great boldness and confidence and can make great conversation and even invite people to do things. I like these moments and wish I new how to make them more often. I look back with regret on periods in college, my time in Nashville and Chicago too for not being bolder and working harder at friendships. Now I find myself repeating the same things - fearing rejection and so not being the one to step out first with an invitation or to let someone know I truly enjoy their company. I felt like I was just starting to make my move with several friends in Chicago when I uprooted for California.

I'm going to publish this unfinished because the chance of me coming back to finish this or edit it are slim. Sorry.