You know you live in California when...

Your roommate drives a VW bus and a beater at that. And has more boards than pieces of furniture (2 skate, 1 snow and at least 1 surf).

I rode my bike along the beach path home from work today feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I know, "stop right there," you're thinking, how can I feel sorry for myself when I live by the beach and within biking distance of my job. Well, I manage just fine, and actually manage quite well 4-7 days a month. This month I'm feeling sorry for myself in the friend department. So I moved out of my aunt's house and into a cute little house, in a cute little neighborhood, with my cute little roommate (and the aformentioned dude) and am theoretically excited about the situation, but realistically also just a little bit down. Stocking my fridge, setting up my room - a slight variation of the same one I've had since my junior year of college - watching Project Runway and Grey's Anatomy with new roommie = fun. Having too much extra time on my hands, missing my boyfriend and wondering when if I ever I am going to make my adult BFF = sad.

I'm feeling a little exhausted by not having that so familiar person around that who's company allows me to really settle in to myself. Maybe I'm going to have to figure out how to be that person for myself this weekend, while both new roommates are away.

Rewinding a few days for a story: last Sunday I drove up to the hippy, mountain town of Ojai to go to the Farmer's Market and meet my friend Laura (all right, you called my bluff, I do have 1 friend or maybe 2 or 4) for some breakfast. I made several laps as I am always overwhelmed and usually just make impulse purchases. My impulse purchases were:
1.a neatly wrapped package of bacon and gruyere scones with thyme (yeah they sound delicious, but they were dry, skimpy on the bacon and way over priced at $6 for 4 small. all in all, the enjoyment was had at the moment I decided to treat myself to buying them)
2. some basil and parsley - neither of which I have used all week
3. 5 mini asian pears - i did eat all of these. lesson - mini is the key to eating fruit
4. a half dozen farm fresh eggs
5. 6 2nd quality tomatoes - no pesticides, but possibly bruised for $1 cheaper per lb than 1st quality. I'm a sucker for a sale.

Okay, I'm starting to make this sound like a good day, which I guess it was - after that I made yummy breakfast burritos with Laura and other maybe new friend, then I went to one of the coolest bookstores ever, but the point I'm getting to is about me being sad. So after all this I was talking to Shawn who had just had lunch with his friend Tim and Tim's girlfriend Michelle who I had spoken to once at a party. When Shawn mentioned her I said I had really liked her. He said she said the same thing and wanted to hang out if I was in town, except that I would probably be hanging out with my friends. This brought tears to my eyes. Here I had the potential for a great new friend and we no longer lived in the same city. I think I said something along the lines of "at least somebody thinks I'm cool" to Shawn. Sometimes I have moments of great boldness and confidence and can make great conversation and even invite people to do things. I like these moments and wish I new how to make them more often. I look back with regret on periods in college, my time in Nashville and Chicago too for not being bolder and working harder at friendships. Now I find myself repeating the same things - fearing rejection and so not being the one to step out first with an invitation or to let someone know I truly enjoy their company. I felt like I was just starting to make my move with several friends in Chicago when I uprooted for California.

I'm going to publish this unfinished because the chance of me coming back to finish this or edit it are slim. Sorry.