Looking for filler

All day I have been excited about Shawn and my family's Thanksgiving visit, practically giddy in fact. Until sometime around 7:00 pm when my recording of the Amazing Race was over and Shawn called to tell me he was going to bed. By then giddy had faded and been replaced with - nothing. I guess you might call it boredom. I think there are probably quotes out there about there's no such thing as boredom, or boredom is a personal lack of imagination or something else that would deny any balanced and motivated person the right to be bored. Therein lies the problem, I am not feeling like a motivated person lately. I have spurts of motivation, like when I cleaned and rearranged my room last night. And I'm pretty motivated at work, but it just doesn't seem to be seeping into my personal life. Maybe it's just that I have too much time on my hands and therefore sustaining the motivation is the problem. I've found in the past that when my schedule is really full I make great use of my free time because I know every minute counts. Now I find myself checking the clock to see when it is late enough to go to bed.

I listened to a This American Life episode about testosterone including the story of a man who stopped producing testosterone and essentially lost his personality. All feeling he had about anything and everything was gone, he became not so much indifferent, but objective. Sometimes I wonder if both my excesses and lack of emotion are related to fluctuations in brain chemistry. Right now there is nothing firing in my brain to remind me "Go do read a book or write something, trust me you love it and it makes you happy." Okay, technically I am writing write now, but I really didn't feel like it. I think I need to sign myself for a race so that I will be committed to moving my body and that will get the juices flowing and hopefully motivate me to do other things as well.

Note: Lest you reader think I am totally lame I did bake 2 varieties of muffins and make 2 different batches of soup on Saturday while listening to holiday music for 5 hours. Maybe this doesn't make me any less lame. I was hoping this would prove I had done something lately. I told my coworker this morning when she asked about my weekend that I had found the "traditional holiday music" station on my DVR and she said that music is so depressing. I actually thought it was pretty exciting, maybe not the 3rd time you hear Bing Crosby sing "There's no place like home for the holidays," but definitely the first time and kind of the 2nd.